Where is the book "How to parent adult children?"

There, I have finally done it, I ruined it. It backfired!

Nearly 23 years of helicopter parenting and squandering my love and money on my one and only has come to a screeching halt -  my daughter Alexandra, who presently lives in Cambridge, England, stopped talking to me. It hurts insanely.

If it lasts longer than this weekend, I will do something drastic.

I will not fly to England, but I will draw a circle on the ground, kneel in it, and pray until she decides to let me heap love, praise and money on her again. The husband and I are already saving for retirement and give to charity and paid off the credit cards, so what else can I do with half my income?

This brings us to the topic of the post: How to parent adult children

My friend Monica posed this question two weeks ago when she was in town from Vermont and informed me that there were millions of books on how to raise and parent children, but where are the books on how to parent when they’re in their twenties and older, the rest of their lives? Or hopefully, just the rest of our lives. And another thing: Why did our parents not worry as much as we do and just provided shelter, clothes, three meals if that, and we turned out mostly fine? Why are we so overly involved in our offspring's lives and feel without our constant input they’ll never get up in time for class (college!), find a job, and from there, someone to marry?

I googled the topic and found one book, which I plan to read, and a few articles, but Monica was right; the information of parenting adults fits on the first Google page.

I immediately drew up a list of friends and acquaintances who have grown children, a disclaimer for Facebook to blast questions to my groups, and, most importantly, an expanding list of “adult children” who appear content, successful, and who still talk to their parents. Even their moms. What did your mother/father do right once you were done with high school in regard to giving you space? How much guidance did you feel they provided, how did you let them know when to step back, when to help you out financially, when to let you make stupid decisions, and hell, how to navigate the jungle out there on your own?

Monica’s son is not speaking to her because he blames his parents for misdirecting him. He lost his scholarship after the first year of college but stayed, works in a job he hates and will be forever paying back loans. He is 24, buried in debt, resigned, depressed and lonely. Monica is resigned, depressed and miserable.

I have the opposite scenario. My daughter yells at me from across the ocean (in all upper case letters) to stop telling her what to do, that I control her too much and send her too many emails and messages and hand her too many presents and she refuses to take it anymore. She ended her last message with “This is it. The End!” (It lasted 15 hours)

It reminded me of something, though: I left my country at 20 because I had it too good and needed a challenge…

For the rest of her time in England I collected all the articles and pictures and important quotes and included them in a care package which I sent to her once a month and which she absolutely loved.

She is back in America since three weeks and I am meddling since two...

 

How College Students Feel!

Here is a real-life exchange between my daughter “A” and me last year before she graduated from college. I was expecting her to apply to internships and jobs, she was planning a cruise with her friends after graduation (paying from her savings). I said no, because I wanted her to start working and earn her own money once she was done studying. “A” responded with this email:

I let C know I applied but they keep the position open till May 4th so I guess I will hear then? Plus, that internship and also the discovery one (so I'm guessing many others) start June 18th which is after the cruise and I'm not gonna get drunk and fall over the railing. Just cuz you don't like cruises, you can't keep everyone else from going on one, plus when I get an internship and a job my life is basically over and I won't be able to travel or do anything and that's what people always say to go on crazy adventures and travel when you’re in your twenties when you’re young and have time. And I'm not being overly dramatic; it's proven science that every year you sit in a tiny cubicle punching numbers and listen to your boring boss talk about boring numbers, mergers, and other crap, more and more of your soul dies till one day you lose your mind and hang yourself from your shower curtain...suicide in adults is increasing because people start hating their routine lives of going to the same boring job everyday coming home to their spouse of 30 plus years and sit in silence with the TV on in the background because they ran out of things to talk about 20 years ago and are only staying together because divorce is expensive and neither has anything the other wants half of anyways. Seriously look at pictures of adults...real adults not models, look how their smiles never reach their eyes, how their eyes are dead inside. Then look at pictures of kids how their eyes shine bright with hopes and dreams and are so full of life. If the eyes are really windows to the soul then looking at the eyes of adults show how dead inside they are, how dead inside we will all become sooner or later. Our imminent death reaches us many years before our bodies actually crap out on us. You see, we die three times: 1 when the soul already gives up and leaves us, 2 when our bodies shut down forever and 3 when the last living person on earth says our name for the last time because we all are insignificant and we will all be forgotten eventually so what is the point? You see we all learn in college about the life that awaits us after, how hell is not a place where bad souls go when they die, it is right here on earth called corporate America and you see why we really never want to graduate. Hence, please let me go on this cruise before death number 1 becomes real. “A”

Mom’s response: Where on earth did you hear that crap?! We just had a group discussion in the hallway debating your argument. My co-workers and even the boss told me to let you go. You should be a lawyer. But you will have to tell Dad when you come home. Mom

Okay cool see ya tomorrow! Thanks :) “A”

(Mom) A few hours later: I thought about your argument some more: First of all, children’s eyes shine bright with hopes and dreams because their bills are still paid for by adults, as were yours up to now. Second, I am deliriously happy with my life, my job, my hobbies and even chores because I do all the things I am passionate about, so my smiles do reach my eyes. Life is not over after you graduate and not all adults feel dead in their jobs. I am thrilled when I wake up in the mornings and can’t wait to start the day. I take classes that challenge and excite me, I work with amazing people, I indulge in my passions - reading, writing, walking, coffee, chocolate - and I expect good news and miracles every day. My life rocks!!!

I haven’t told Dad yet, you can do that when you come home.

Now get busy and keep applying, you will see that earning your own money and paying your bills is awesome and liberating!! Mom

(I am happy to add that the cruise went well, “A” didn’t fall overboard, and afterward landed a good internship in Cambridge, England for six months from which she will be returning next week.

 

Input from a friend with children of her own

“Every time we do too much for our kids, they don’t learn what they need to learn.”  It feels awful when we have to strive for a thing… we can’t strive for our children, they turn into “sliders/skaters (… they just don’t “self-improve,” seek out a matter to find the truth… they “just get by)”

God put them on a limb – to learn a lesson…  which they hate and so  they run to mom……  But, A has figured it out… now she has to have the time to do her own “thinking.”  And it helps if you’re voice is still… wait in silence… so she can reason with all her wisdom.  J

Things I would have done by now…

 

if she hadn’t told me to back off:

-          Nagged her about booking her flight in time, since she is coming home soon (she booked it by herself 3 weeks before she came home).

-          Insisted she show me the cover letters she submits with the updated resume

-          Fretted about her getting a job once she is back in the US

-          Informed her about the spelling mistakes on her travel blog “Unfed Wanderlust”

-          Put money in her account for her trip to London over Easter weekend

-          Worry too much about her future

What I still do:

-          Baked our traditional Easter Lamb cake in the tin from her great grandmother in Germany and sent it to her in England.

-          Connect with her online on an almost daily basis

-          Pray for her every morning and every night

Why I became the mother I am...

Two reasons why I think I turned into the mother I became and which I will now have to ‘un-become’ or risk losing my daughter …

Before “A” was born, I was a half-assed wild thing, which means I stayed out all night, did not drink or smoke, and still made it into work a couple hours later. I partied without the poisons, but nothing kept me home in the evenings. When I got pregnant a month after my Army soldier husband returned from the First Gulf War I still had no idea about the Űber-Mutter I would become. The moment “A” was born (I want to point out that it was a natural birth without any drugs or epidural, my choice) and she looked at me, the deal was sealed. I committed my life to this miracle. But I didn’t expect that I would turn into this too-dedicated, over-involved mother. My parents weren’t like that. But I had a friend who had a Űber-mother and I always said,” if I turn out like Mrs. G, please shoot me.” Nobody did, though, and “A” had to endure not only a helicopter- but also a lawnmower mom, a mother who mows all obstacles out of her child’s way.

The only explanation I have for turning into a mother who my daughter accuses of “caring too much, worrying too much, doing everything for her and thereby giving her the message that I do not believe in her abilities and not seeing how truly amazing she is,” is that,

1)      when I was a babysitter at age 22 (the age my daughter is right now) the baby I watched every other night died of SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. An hour before the mother came home from her nightshift as a nurse, I found the baby dead in its crib, had to call 911, then the mother to tell her their son was dead. This is something that will never leave you, even if it’s only present in the subconscious. And

2)      the fact that we left my family and friends back in Germany to return to the United States (military orders) where I knew nobody, his family lived several states away, and I had a four week old infant to care for without help or advice probably made me overdo everything. “A” became the center of my universe. We constantly checked if she was breathing and never went out during the first years of her life, because I didn’t trust anyone. In my mind, a baby could die if left without the mother (she never went to daycare or a babysitter, but I found a job where I could bring her with me until she was eight years old).

We visited Germany every summer. My sister told me several times that I am not giving “A” enough space and she was too dependent on me. It went in one ear and out the other. It took 22 years and my daughter putting down her foot until I got it.

Now I am trying to relax and simply enjoy watching her blossom.

 

 

Let God design your path. Our minds are much too small to imagine what is possible for us

So far so good. I feel relaxed, free-er. I am not worried about “A” finding a job when she returns from England in five weeks. She informed me that she has gotten a great letter of reference from her current employer and that she is applying to hotel jobs (Social Media Coordinator) in Manhattan. She has also heard from the Girl Scout camp director asking her to come back as a project leader for the coming summer and “A” accepted, under the condition should she find a full-time job in New York before that, she would take it and not be able to work at the camp.

I am praying daily for my daughter, to be loved, guided and protected by our God, to be led to the right job and to meet the right people at the right time at the right place. During Lent, I am doing a prayer circle using Mark Batterson’s book, “Draw the Circle – The 40 Day Prayer Challenge”, and during that time have received the stern email from “A”. I actually had a feeling of relief hours before I saw what she wrote, as if a weight lifted off my shoulders before my daughter set me free. I have to understand, believe, and trust (not just say I do, but really DO) that if my daughter follows only my advice for her, she is limited by my vision. If she follows God’s plan for her life, anything is possible.

Let God design your path. Our minds are much too small to imagine what is possible for us.

 

She even dyed her hair back to "a color that would naturally grow out of peoples' heads."

I hereby pledge...
Lisa, a dear childhood friend of mine since 5^th grade, read my daughter’s desperate plea and sent me her input:

Your daughter’s email touched me deeply. It shows how intelligent, emotional and considerate she is. How many children would go to such lengths to explain their feelings to their mother? You did a wonderful job raising her. But now you both have reached a pivotal point in your relationship. She is liberating herself and you must respect that. It means not interfering in her life unasked yet still letting her know that you will always have her back. This is hard to implement especially since you have been doing the opposite throughout her life.

In your response to her you state that she is your whole life. This sentence alone can weigh heavy on her shoulders.

You are right, not caring about her would be worse, but every extreme is unbalanced and not good in the long run.

My hope for you is to construct your relationship in such a way that you can both be happy with it.

 

Okay, so here it goes: I pledge that for one year, I will try my best and let "A" live her life without interfering, unless I think she will be in danger. I vow to let her find her own job, make her own decisions, and watch her fail even though I would have known better and could have "protected" her. On this blog I will periodically record my progress as well as hers and work on cutting the umbilical cord. I know I will slip sometimes and try to move an obstacle out of her path, but I will write this down also. A year from today, I hope my daughter "A" will be working in a job she loves and got by herself in whatever state or country she choses, make her own decisions no matter how precarious, and have failed a few times and gotten back up.

 

 

Daughter's response:

Well that went better than expected. I was almost expecting you to be so upset that you were going to cut me off in which case I would have taken out all the money I have in savings and flown to Bimini which is just a dot on the globe (but has a fantastic shark research facility),  changed my name and disappeared and study sharks all day lol. I  was preparing for that... And now I kinda like that idea.. starting over but not disappearing lol
Anyway!  Yes, I would still like a ride home from Newark airport. I will email B about plane ticket (s) either after lunch or tomorrow morning and email H about an estimate for a car service to Heathrow Airport.
Okay, lunch time.. I made soup!  I've been going to the gym everyday after work except today I'm going home for a nap because I deserve it and on Tuesdays I've been taking pole dancing classes!!!  I love it and I'm pretty good at it.. anyways getting fit and healthy lol
Idk if Paris is gonna happen. We have a lot of plans here and in London like seeing the Harry Potter set and maybe a musical or show and that can get pretty pricey. I know you want to fund my travels but no one is funding my housemates' so plus I want to go  ape for my birthday and I  just checked and it's 30 Pounds :/
But Paris isn't going anywhere so I'll go another time if it doesn't work out.

Cheers!

 

Mom:

You  crack me up! Only you can incorporate something as abstruse as pole dancing in a letter to your mother and not have me freak out.
Paris will happen when you're ready for it, it's not going anywhere. Experience England as deeply as you can, even if it's just the neighborhood.
The funny thing is, I had such a feeling of relief yesterday as I left work... the universe knew it was this email from you.
To new beginnings! I will fail and you will need to remind me many times, but I will try my best to set you free.
 It also means you set me free, free to return to Germany one of these years. I know I have to go back one day.
I am glad to hear you live a healthy abundant exciting rich life which always has been my dream for you. Love, Mom

Mom, let go! The email that changed my life

Mom

I need you to listen to me and I need you to listen good because I'm really about to lose it and I don't really know how to say this without it sounding mean and I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings, that's not my intention but I'm not one to sugarcoat anything so here it is.

Stop helping me.

 I don't ask for it hardly ever you just always do. And help is good but I don't want you to help me anymore unless I come to you to for it because I really don't know what to do like paying taxes or bills or that kind of adult stuff. When I come to you stressing out I just want to vent and I just want your support. I don't want a life lesson and I don't actually want help unless I say "Mom idk what I'm doing I need help". All my life you've been doing things for me before I could ever even try to do it myself. I went to college and my suitemate had to teach me how to do laundry...I mean I wasn't the only one who couldn't and yes our basement still really creeps me out but still. I like being able to do things for myself like for instance I didn't tell you about my whole bankcard situation from Germany until about December because for the whole month of November I was trying to fix it myself and then when I was totally out of ideas I came to you. That's why I get so mad when you have dozens of people changing my resume... I know you show your colleagues because they are intelligent and highly educated but you forget that I am too. I took an interviewing class where we learned fundamental interviewing skills but also how to properly formulate a resume, cover letter and elevator pitch and I got an A in that class and my senior year I took Business and Professional Communications where we polished those skills and I got an A in that, too. But you don't believe that I am great too, I know you say you do but you constantly doubt my abilities and need to call in your professional friends before I can even try.

But I learned at school, away from home, how truly great I am. I solved so many problems on my own; ones that you never knew and probably never will know about and so I learned new skills and shaped the person I am today that I have come to really like. I know that sounds a bit stuck up but that's just because we live in a society where if you like yourself and put yourself first you're a bad person. How dare I look in the mirror and not become horribly depressed by what I see, how dare I walk with my head up and not be afraid of the world...well, oh well.

And maybe you don't doubt me, not really, but you're so afraid of me failing that you push any problem I might face out of the way. But I'm not afraid of failing. In fact I know you have to fail in order to succeed. So overall, I'm not living to please you anymore, or Dad or anyone else. I'm living for me and is that selfish? Damn right it is, but it's my life and I am allowed to be selfish. Just like you should be selfish with your life. Everyone should be selfish with their own life and living for themselves, it's their life and no one else's. And that's okay. It's good! We just live in a world where we are taught that being selfish is a bad thing but it's not really if you think about it.

So, I'm probably not going to email that girl from that place you told me about because I'm not interested in that kind of work. In the past I have always done what you wanted me to do and I've mostly ended up not liking it (no offense) like I took the first job that hired me in school. I hated it and I was holding out on working at Forever 21 but you told me to take the first job that hired me, so I did. Same with X University. I didn't really wanna go there but they were the first school that accepted me and were relatively cheap. So there I went and the only reason I didn't try to transfer was because of my sorority which I did for myself and by myself. I worked hard to get in and I worked hard for the positions I held and I felt really accomplished and that's part of the reason why I loved it so much. I also took that spa job even though I knew I would hear back from [the internship] soon but there was nothing I could do because you emailed L for me because I wouldn't answer my phone because I was the game with Dad...of course I wasn't gonna answer my phone mom! But there I went and then just as I knew would happen I had to get myself out of a situation that I didn't wanna be in that you put me in. But it wasn't you that had to make the phone call saying I had to leave and I had wasted both their and my time so I guess your hands are clean.

And this internship...As fantastic as this opportunity is and I love every second of it, you made this happen with M, not me so it's not really my accomplishment is it? You single handedly paid for my schooling which is seriously the greatest gift I have ever received and I can't thank you enough for it, but if you paid for it then it's not really mine is it? I know I put in the work but whose really is it? I mean do I really have a single accomplishment that I can call my own? I guess not yet. You guys own my car and the house I live in, my dog and the cats. You really could just kick me out and leave me nothing if you wanted to. I own nothing yet...am nothing really and I don't like anyone having that kind of power or control over me, or any kind of power or control, so I will live out my dreams, I will find myself a job in the city that I love and I will do it on my own with my own acquired skills and when I fail a few times that will be on me. I will have no one to blame but myself and I will be okay, and when I succeed and oh, will I succeed, it will be a fabulous day because I know I did it. And of course I know I will need some help along the way, but you have to at least let me try alone first. Does that make sense?

Please don't think that I think you’re a bad mom, you’re a great mom and pretty cool and I love you, but I just need you to back off with the helping so much. Support and just being there is enough I swear and I will come to you for help when I need it, but I need to try it on my own a bit first. And if all this makes me seem like a bad person or even a bad daughter then sorry, but I'm not sorry. This is just me growing up and that's a good thing!!

Anyways, sorry to drop all this on you but I'm gonna lose my mind if it stays this way. You don't have to respond if you don't want to or you can scream at me I guess, but I won’t see it till tomorrow because I need sleep and morning comes early.

Good night, love you!

Response: This is probably the best letter in history and it makes me feel FREE! I love every word you wrote and I will treasure this letter forever and refer to it when I feel the need to step in.
If it weren't for Dad always thinking the worst, worrying about you getting a job, I think I would be more relaxed. But I will read it to him and together we will try to back off.
You still need a ride home from the airport, right?
You are awesome, amazing and I am the proudest mama ever. Now I hope I can let you live your life. I never planned on becoming a helicopter mom or to love you too much to let you breathe, but when you were born and they laid you into my arms, and I looked at you and you at me, this is what happened. My life, my being, all evaporated and you became my whole life. That's the only way I can describe it. Still better than the other way around though, right?
This is incredible, thank you. Love always, your Mama