There, I have finally done it, I ruined it. It
backfired!
Nearly 23 years of helicopter parenting and
squandering my love and money on my one and only has come to a screeching halt
- my daughter Alexandra, who presently
lives in Cambridge, England, stopped talking to me. It hurts insanely.
If it lasts longer than this weekend, I will do
something drastic.
I will not fly to England, but I will draw a circle on
the ground, kneel in it, and pray until she decides to let me heap love, praise
and money on her again. The husband and I are already saving for retirement and
give to charity and paid off the credit cards, so what else can I do with half
my income?
This
brings us to the topic of the post: How to parent adult children
My friend Monica posed this question two weeks ago when she
was in town from Vermont and informed me that there were millions of books on how
to raise and parent children, but where are the books on how to parent when
they’re in their twenties and older, the rest of their lives? Or hopefully, just the
rest of our lives. And another thing: Why did our parents not worry as much as
we do and just provided shelter, clothes, three meals if that, and we turned
out mostly fine? Why are we so overly involved in our offspring's lives and feel
without our constant input they’ll never get up in time for class (college!),
find a job, and from there, someone to marry?
I googled the topic and found one book, which I plan
to read, and a few articles, but Monica was right; the information of parenting
adults fits on the first Google page.
I immediately drew up a list of friends and
acquaintances who have grown children, a disclaimer for Facebook to blast
questions to my groups, and, most importantly, an expanding list of “adult
children” who appear content, successful, and who still talk to their parents.
Even their moms. What did your mother/father do right once you were done with
high school in regard to giving you space? How much guidance did you feel they
provided, how did you let them know when to step back, when to help you out
financially, when to let you make stupid decisions, and hell, how to navigate
the jungle out there on your own?
Monica’s son is not speaking to her because he blames his
parents for misdirecting him. He lost his scholarship after the first year of
college but stayed, works in a job he hates and will be forever paying back
loans. He is 24, buried in debt, resigned, depressed and lonely. Monica is
resigned, depressed and miserable.
I have the opposite scenario. My daughter yells at me
from across the ocean (in all upper case letters) to stop telling her what to do, that
I control her too much and send her too many emails and messages and hand her
too many presents and she refuses to take it anymore. She ended her last
message with “This is it. The End!” (It lasted 15 hours)
It reminded me of something, though: I left my country
at 20 because I had it too good and needed a challenge…
For the rest of her time in England I collected all the articles and pictures and important quotes and included them in a care package which I sent to her once a month and which she absolutely loved.
She is back in America since three weeks and I am meddling since two...
